time stands still
by insomniacpanda77
Summary: in which draco talks about his obsession with harry from the start


DISCLAIMER!! All characters belong to Jk rowling and her series Harry Potter.

I've always admired Harry. I don't believe that's surprising to anyone. Years upon years I grew up with the name Harry Potter whispered throughout my home like an unspoken curse, "the boy who lived", the boy who was able to survive the dark lord.

At first my admiration was purely a fanboy Crush. Not only was he a survivor he was a symbol of peace and hopefullness in the future. A future without the dark lord. Thats all I ever dreamed of as a child.

I knew from a young age of my connection to the dark lord. No child under the influence of dark magic is allowed to grow up oblivious to their fate. Ultimately becoming a death eater and a slave to the dark lord himself. I remember the years my parents would argue over my involvement. My father was a stickler for tradition and pureblooded families. No son of his, his only son mind you, would grow up disobeying the dark lords rule. It always confused me as to why my parents got involved with dark magic in the first place. My father is quite understandable. The man's a coward. My mother, however, is kind and brave and stubborn. Though she may be reckless she does what's right. Every night I'd cry myself to sleep at the thought of the dark mark tainting my skin, images of what my father had helped ths dark lord do embedded in my mind at the age of only 5. My mother would walk into my room every night, no words spoken, and hold me close to let me know I wasn't alone. If only we could leave. I know she hates it.

Harry Potter seemed like an escape. I wanted to escape. When I had heard he would be attending Hogwarts I was thrilled. My obsession with potter did not go unnoticed. Mother would laugh it off but father, he hated it. He hated hearing the name of the boy who nearly made him lose it all.

The first time I saw him I was starstruck. The hero I had looked up to ever since I could walk was there in front of me. The boy behind the name. Suddenly everything didnt seem so difficult anymore. The countless fittings for my robes and search for all my school equipment faded away as if they never happened and all I could see was him. I just wanted to speak to him. Just once. Just to let him know the impact he's had on me. If I could just reach out my hand and touch him then maybe all my problems would be solved. Then I could live freely without the looming fear of my future to come. But he pulled away. And it was like all my fears came tumbling down, suffocating me then and there.

It wasnt that I hated Harry. God I could never hate the boy who gave me hope. But that hope was ripped away from the same boy the day we met and I've never been the same. I decided then and there that giving into feeble thoughts of hope were weak. And 11 year old boy who had only just found out about magic couldn't save me. I had deluded myself all these years. It was at that moment that whatever this relationship we have between us formed. This stupid rivalry that I started for no reason.

I only ever wanted to be his friend. Growing up as an only child meant I was alone most of the time. I didnt know what it meant to make friends and all I could feel with hurt after he rejected me. As an 11 year old I took that as war and made both mine and Harry's life a living hell every year after that. God I fucked up bad.

Then year 5 came. Just turned 15 and with the pressure of the dark lord looming I had no choice but to obey. From day 1 I had dug myself into this hole of despair. I never wanted to be on the dark side and Dumbledore noticed. How many times he tried to get me to join their side but I declined. I wish I could have. I wanted to. But he had my family. He had my mum. And I couldn't put her in danger. Not after everything we've been through. After all the years she protected me I could only do the same.

With the mixture of school work, the tests and the missions sent from Voldemort to prove myself it all became too much. I was exhausted. I stopped talking to my friends and getting out of bed. It was like life had lost all meaning. I had no interest in doing anything. I was becoming a shell of my former self. I was paranoid aswell. I knew that the golden trio didnt trust me but Potter had always been the most suspicious of me. Probably due to my horrible first impression. He followed me. Every step I took, intervening with every fucking mission, stressing me out even more. Voldemort was getting impatient. I could tell.

That night, in the bathroom, changed my life. It was only a matter of time before harry confronted me about my suspicousness. I hadn't expected it to lead to us fighting but I was so tired of him getting in harm's way. Why could no one see that I was doing all of this to protect them. Because it doesn't matter if I'm hurting if they get to survive.

I have never seen more hatred in someone's eyes then I have when I looked into Harry's eyes that night when he shot me with septumserpa.

All I saw was green and everything immediately started turning black. It was silent, apart from the sound of my blood forming a puddle around my lifeless, pale body, my skin the colour of my white shirt now turning red from blood. It was too silent.

When severus ran in it was the first time I felt afraid, truly afraid of dying. I hung onto him like a lifeline as he brought me back to health, sobbing into his robes because despite what he'd done he was one of the only people who I could trust, who knew me for who I truly am.

I sobbed for a week, replaying the faint sounds of Harry's footsteps echoing as he ran out of the toilet. Ran away from me. I'll never forget the look In his eyes once he'd done what he did. It was like he realised a part of Voldemort was what made him who he was and that scared him. It scared him that he could be like Voldemort.

It's safe to say that after that night mine and harry's relationship had drastically changed. I was absolutely terrified of him and what he was capable of. This unwavering force who I had looked up to for so long for being as strong as he was, was somehow tainted by darkness aswell. I couldn't get my head round it.

Snape kept a closer eye on me after that, I believe he had some blood pact with my mother over my life but I'm still not sure to this day. I avoided harry like the plague and began getting back to the exact same routine as I was living before. Except now I hid away in the room of requirements to hide from life.

Until one night I had an unwelcome visitor. I was sitting on a couch that had appeared and was reading a book, something I often do to relax when I heard the door open. It was confusing because as far as I knew I was the only one who knew of the rooms existence. I got up off the sofa and walked towards the door to see who had walked in and to my suprise I see Harry Potter standing in the doorway looking confused as ever.

"Malfoy?"

My initial reaction was too flinch. I hated my surname and seeing harry was still a bit much after what had happened.

"Potter? Wouldn't expect someone as dumb as you to be able to find this place" I said smugly despite not meaning a word I had said.

"What is this place?" He questioned, completely ignoring my statement. Although I think he was just used to my relentless torment by now and maybe after that night he wasn't so threatened by me anymore.

"Its the room of requirement" I explained softly going back to the couch to read my book and pretend like none of this had happened. I had expected him to leave once he saw I had no interest in conversation but instead he came and sat on the couch opposite and pulled out some parchment. It looked like potions homework. I quickly looked away not wanting him to catch me staring and continued reading. This sequence continued for a few more hours. Me reading my book and hardy scribbling down homework till we both got tired. Harry stood up first and stretched out, sparing me a small wave before Dusting off his clothes and heading back to what I assume was his common room. I sat there dumbfounded at what had happend. I hadn't hated it but I felt like there was more to it.

Every night from then onwards the same thing would happen. Harry would turn up to the room of requirement and sit and do his homework whilst I read in silence. A few times I worked up the courage to ask him why he was there only to be met with a shrug and the silence returned.

This went on for a month or so before I decided to help him with his homework. I was tired of seeing him struggle and have to hear the incessant scribble of his qull every time he got something wrong, which was often.

Once I had worked up the courage I folded the corner of the page smoothly and gently shut the book to not gain his attention. I then got up to which he noticed me standing in front of me. We made eye contact and those emerald eyes stared at me with so many emotions swirling through them.

"Move up" I said.

"What?" He replied dumbfounded.

"I said move up, you death potter?" I raised my voice slightly, blushing.

Within seconds harry moved up and I was sitting next to him. The couch was small and I could feel my side touching him. This was the most physical contact we'd ever had and it scared me to be this close to him after it being all I wanted for so long.

To cut the tension I reached over and grabbed the parchment laying loosely on his lap, tuting at all the mistakes and making a mental note on what he'd have to go over.

"You've got to improve your options work if you want to pass the exams potter" I said smirking.

"I know that, why do you think I come here everyday?" He said dejectedly.

"Honestly potter I'm not quite sure, assumed you were just appreciating the eye candy" I flirted aimlessly only for him to chuckle slightly.

"Well by any means I'm the best at potions in this school, apart from snape, so I guess I could tutor you If you're going to insist on ruining my peace every night." I replied quickly, unaware of what I was truly saying until i had said it.

A few moments passed and I was become increasingly more nervous. Had i crossed a line?

"Harry" he said quietly.

"What?" I replied barely able to hear him and still in shock.

"Its harry, draco. My name's Harry." He replied hesitantly.

I sat in silence for Andrew minutes, barely able to process what had just happend. It was almost an unspoken rule between us to only refer to eachother by our surnames. It made it all less personal. But now he was inviting me to say his name. It just hit me weirdly.

"I'd love if you would tutor me draco. I'm hopeless at potions and Hermione is too busy to teach me." He said earnestly after a few minutes if silence. The tension must have been obvious.

"Sure" I stuttered, "same place, same time?" I questioned.

"Yeah whatever works for you" he said back.

I couldn't quite believe what was happening. Was this a dream.

"Well I better be going, Hermione and Ron will be wondering where I am by now. See you tommorow Draco." He waved goodbye as he headed towards the door.

Shaking Myself out of my frozen state I replied: "goodnight harry".

He turned around and looked me straight in the eyes. His mouth forming a smile he couldn't contain causing me to smile a little too. He looked so happy. He waved and left, leaving me alone in the room go reflect on what had happened.

I remember finding pansy that night and telling her everything that happened. Me and pansy are best friends. We've known eachother since as long as I can remember and its always been set up that me and her would marry and continue the bloodline. Only problem is that pansy is a raging lesbian with a horrific crush on an incredibly straight Hermione. We play along with their ideas because its easier and we're best friends anyway.

That night me and pants gossiped I felt like a normal teenager. It was nice to feel so normal for once and not have to worry about all of this other stuff I had at the time. Neither of us wanted to be involved with dark magic but we couldn't do anything about it.

Over the next few months I tutored harry on potions to the point of a pass. He was a very quick learner and me and him got closer in the process. I knew it was a bad idea but seeing harry each night was something I looked forward To. I looked forward to being pressed against his side, out hands brushing everytime I learned over to correct his work. I hated feeling this way though. I'd known for a long time that I was gay due to the help of pansy and the countless experiments I've done to somehow fix my sexuality. Its never been something I've been able to accept because of my families views. I knew I'd never be able to tell them so what's the point in embracing that part of me if I'd always have to keep it hidden. For a long time subduing that part of me was easy. Every so often I'd see a pretty boy and wonder what it would be like to hold his hand or run my fingers through his hair or wrap my hands firmly around his waist whilst we kissed passionately. But despite this it was easy to ignore. I'd distract myself with girls and ignore the part of me that wanted to come out. Until harry. Harry made me feel things I'd never felt before. It wasnt lust with him, it was purely romantic and something I was deathly afraid of. He makes me weak and I cant afford to slip up.

"Draco!" Harry shouted pulling me out of my thoughts. I hadn't realised he'd been trying to talk to me and that tears had begun to fall down my cheeks.

"Are you crying? Wait draco why are you crying?" He exclaimed, reaching up to cradle my face in his hands and wipe ny tears away with the pad of his thumb. As I stared into his green eyes i realized I couldn't hide this anymore. I pushed my face forward and collided my lips with his. It was short but sweet and seconds after out lips touched they were already apart. There was silence for what seemed like hours as we just stared into eachothers eyes until I couldn't handle it anymore. I let out an ugly sob and buried my head in his chest, fisting his shirt tightly. He quickly pulled out of his frozen state and started rubbing my back in circular motions to calm me down whilst whispering sweet things in my ears.

I realised later that that was my first panic attack. Harry had helped me through it and managed to calm me down so that we could talk. We spoke about our feelings and ended the night sleeping in the room of requirement cuddled on the smaller sofa.

It's safe to say that after that night our relationship had changed significantly. Although both of us were unsure of what we truly were we both knew this was something more then friends, something special.

Our nights still held the same schedule expect now instead of tutoring we talk and laugh and cuddle. I felt completely safe. But I wasnt being completely honest. Though I had begun to change my attitude slightly Dutch to Harry's influence I hadn't told him of my direct involvement with the dark lord. I just couldn't do it. So whilst me and harry got closer I continued to do what was asked of me. I felt dirty, like I was betraying everything I'd just got despite not deserving it.

The extent of how bad my situation was peaked the night of the dark mark.

I had tried to avoid it for so long. But with my seemingly unwavering loyalty to the dark lord they wanted me to be a death eater as soon as possible.

I was so scared. I knew that once I had this there was no turning back. I wouldn't be accepted but the light anymore and I'd loose harry. I just couldn't bare to loose him.

Against my better judgement I followed my father to Voldemorts council. I stood before him for the first time in my life and I have never felt so vulnerable. I was afraid for my life but knew if I didnt do this my mum would die. I couldn't loose her to.

Despite my own feelings I rolled up my sleeve and lay my pale arm in front of the dark lord himself. All I could think of was harry and how much I'd miss him due to the impact he's had on me, not just over the past few months but since I ever heard the name "Harry Potter". I could only thank him for what he'd done for him yet this is how I repay him.

Before I knew it the world got colder and the mark was embedded on my skin. Its black ink swimming it's way into my veins and tainting my very soul. It's as if the world its self got little darker and hope was far away from sight.

I remember crying out to harry, for the hope that he gave me but only finding the hopelessness that had taken shelter in my heart.

That night, I didnt want to be alone. I knew I couldn't face him but I needed him. I needed to hold him to know he was still there. That maybe doing this could help him in some way. Maybe I could tell Dumbledore and be an inside man. So many thoughts were racing that I didnt realise i was standing in front of the room of requirement, harry pacing behind the door probably wondering why I hadn't been there.

As soon as he heard the door open he looked up immediately, green eyes catching my red rimmed ones. Tears falling as soon I saw him concerned.

"Draco! What's wrong?" He exclaimed once he noticed the state I was in. He came up to me and cradled my face trying to wipe away the tears just like he had done the first time but there were too many. I learned into his hand only to push him away seconds later. I saw the hurt in his eyes soon after and immediately regretted it but knew he wouldn't even want to touch me once he knew.

"Draco what's wrong, why are you crying?"

No reply.

"Draco you need to speak to me I can't help if you wont talk."

No reply.

"Draco lucius malfoy stood being such a stubborn git and tell me what's wrong!" He shouted causing me to cry harder.

I stepped back, harry tried to follow me but I stopped him by putting my arm out. I rolled up my sleeve go show the sore dark mark etched on my skin.

He stepped back in shock. His fingers leaving the skin of my arm like it burned him. He stayed silent. I couldn't take it.

I let out a gut wrenching sob and fell to my knees crying, begging someone to kill me right there. I never wanted Harry to look at me like that. Like I was scum of the earth

Because its true. Thats what I am I dont deserve to live.

" I'm sorry!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face and snog dripping down my nose.

"I'm worthless and a pathetic excuse of a human. I cant escape. I'm too fucking weak and now I've got this brand on my arm because I'm one of his. I dont want to be bad. I dont want to hurt anyone I just dint want my mum to die. I cant loose her harry I cant. But I cant loose you either. I'm so scared, I dont know what to do. It's like I'm suffocating but I'm still alive. I'm so sorry. Leave me it's what I deserve!" I cried as I begged on my knees in front of him, gripping his legs.

I hear crying from above me and fill the salty tears drip on my head. Suddenly I feel a body infront of me and arms wrapped around me pulling my chin up to look them in the eyes. His eyes are filled with tears and his face looks tired. But despite this he smiles. He smiles and kisses my forehead whilst he sobs and holds me close.

It was at that point that I knew i loved Harry Potter and would do anything to protect him.

That night Harry took me to Dumbledore and we discussed my issue. He was understanding and didnt once accuse me of being a double agent for the dark side because I think he always knew I was different. He knew that I didnt want to be evil. How he knew was beyond me though.

We agreed that for now only us three would know of my involvement to keep me safe. I would continue to do what I was told and report back every now and the of their plans but only if it was completely safe.

I couldn't have been more grateful for their help. For once I felt like I could escape.That even though I was still in the middle of this horrible war, I didnt have to be bad. I only wish I'd have done it sooner. Then maybe I wouldn't have this mark tattooed on my skin to this day.

The next few weeks were uneventful. I spent most of days as normal then my nights with harry. Once summer break hit I couldn't spend any time with harry and communication was sparse to protect us. I had been attending many death eater councils now that I was one of them. A few nights later ,in particular, was a rough night. I had no idea what was happening only that I was meant to prove myself and that all the death eaters would be there to witness it. I was absolutely terrified.

When the time came we separated only to find myself on the astronomy tower at Hogwarts. I was confused and scared until I saw Dumbledore. Thats when it clicked. The council had been talking alot recently about finally getting rid of Dumbledore for good. I thought this was odd so I brought it up to Dumbledore but any time I mentioned it he would brush it of and tell me there was nothing to worry about.

They wanted me to kill him.

They wanted me to kill the most powerful wizard. The man who had saved me.

I began to shake subtly. I couldn't do this. I couldn't kill the man who was like a second father to all of us at Hogwarts.

Suddenly, he turned around. I then realised it was me and him alone.

"Ah, Draco Malfoy. To what do I owe this pleasure?" He said in his wise tone.

"Professor?" I whispered.

"Now now Draco what have I said about mumbling, I cant hear you when you mumble." He replied.

I just looked at him and raised my wand, hand shaking in fear.

"Well i cant say I didn't predict this, get it other with my boy. Put an old man out of his misery."

I just stood pointing my wand at him, I couldn't do it.

Then the rest of the death eaters came from behind to encourage, more like pressure, me into killing Dumbledore. I looked into his eyes, they softened as If to tell me it was ok. I could only assume he knew this would happen so why would he let me do it.

I trusted him though. If he wanted me to do it I would. I got ready to shoot when all of a sudden a shot came from behind me. Snape had killed Dumbledore...

I watched his body fall lifelessly off the tower as someone screams behind me. I dont register who it is though because within seconds my mum has wrapped her arms around my waist and we're back at malfoy manor.

That night seemed to go so slowly. Although I hadn't killed him it felt like I had. I was willing to. What kind of person does that make me. A person willing to kill the innocent. I stared at the mark on my arm and for the first time, since it was placed on my arm, I felt deserving of it.

I didn't see Harry after that. Not for a whole atleast. I found out that Sirius black was still alive thanks to my involvement. I had made sure that in the fight he was swapped with an apparition. He was hiding away safely with professor lupin somewhere. I could only hope I'd be able to tell harry soon but I doubted it.

Dumbledore had been mourned and I had earned my place as a death eater. I know Voldemort only made me do that because he thought I'd die. He wanted to punish my dad, though I doubt he'd shed a tear at my death.

The summer had been the worst of my life. With harry on the hunt for horcruxes I had no way to contact him. No way to know if he was even alive. I've been stuck in Malfoy mannor between council and council, waiting for something to happen but it never does. That was until some lowly death eaters brought in three kids, around my age. I recognised 2 of them immediately, Ron and Hermione. God what had they gotten into and where was Harry? Was he ok?

Then I looked at the third kid. He looked familiar but his face was completely disfigured, making him almost unrecognisable, but I'd recognise those beautiful green eyes anywhere. Harry.

I was pulled out of my thought abruptly by auntie bellatrix.

"Draco, recognise anyone here? What about this one, is it really Harry Potter?" She squealed.

I looked down at the broken boy in front of me, pain obvious in his eyes. He's been on the run for so long. A part of me wants to say its him so this can all be finally over but I'd never put him in danger like that.

"I've never seen this ugly rat before in my life!" I exclaimed watching as the tears start pouring out of his eyes.

"Very well then, throw em downstairs. Maybe the pretty mudblood will give me some answers" she cackled.

I flinched at the word mudblood. I can't believe I used to say that. Me and Hermione had become somewhat friends once I started to act a bit better but neither Ron or Hermione knew of my true intentions but Hermione was, despite this, willing to give me a chance to do better. It broke my heart to see her like that, her eyes pleading me to end the torture she was going through. I watched helplessly as the word mudblood carved her skin like a tattoo.

I realised that now was my chance to go see Harry. Despite not wanting to leave Hermione I knew I had to speak to him now, otherwise I may never get the chance again. Whilst everyone was distracted I snuck downstairs, a faint dim light disappeared as soon as i descended the steps. I got the keys and opened the dark cell terrified but ready. All of a sudden an arm wraps around my neck making me drop the key out of shock. Realising it was probably Ron I just stood still to let hardy realise it was me.

"Harry mate why are you standing still like that, take his wand and let's go!" Ron screeched in my ear. Bloody hell Ron.

"Ron let him go, stop being a git he's on our side." Harry replied slowly. My heart swelled.

"What's gotten into you mate. You said he killed Dumbledore?!" Ron quietly shouted.

My heart sunk. I watched harry walk out of the shadows to face me.

"That's what I'm wondering to" he said angrily.

I cant believe he genuinely thought I'd kill Dumbledore after everything. Who even told him.

"Look I don't have enough time for this. No I didn't kill Dumbledore it was snape, I was ordered to but I couldn't do it despite Dumbledore telling me to. I'm here to help get you out because if we dont hurry Hermione wont make it."

"What makes you think we'll believe you, you're a death eater now?"

"We don't have time for this, I'm your only hope. I know you'll believe me." I said staring straight at harry, letting him know everything I said was true.

"Ok" he said. That was enough for me.

"Ok, here's the plan. Auntie will send down that rat soon to come collect someone. When he gets here do the same thing you did to me atleast this time the prey wont be expecting it. Once you've done that make your way upstairs and I'll get your wands back to you." I explained carefully.

"And what will we do when we get upstairs huh. We'll have to fight off atleast 15 death eaters maybe more" chortled Ron.

"Dont worry, I've called you a ride." I replied smugly. Both of them looked confused. Then next to me a poof sound occured revieling the house elf standing next to me.

"Dobby!" They both exclaimed at the same time.

"Hello master Potter and mr weasley. Mr draco said that master Potter needed help and dobby is always ready to help master Potter!" Exclaimed dobby.

Harry smiled a genuine smile that made draco's heart flutter. The moment was short lived because draco could hear noises from above. He knew they were running out of time.

"Once you get upstairs you'll have to fight but dobby will apparate you out of here once he gets a clearing. Until then you'll need to hold them off. Good luck." I said before starting to leave.

"Wait!" Harry said, pulling on my sleeve to stop me from going anywhere.

"You're coming with us aren't you, you'll fight with us?" He pleaded.

I turned around to face him, putting his hand in mine and resting my other hand of his cheek as his face started to fade back to normal. I smiled at his cute face, reminding me of all the good I have in me.

"I can't" I replied. He looked devastated.

"But they cant hurt you if you come with us you're on our side. They'll hurt you if they find out" he said crying.

I wiped away his tears and took a deep breath. I brought him close to my chest so he could rest whilst I whispered in his ear "I love you" and ran out of the room, locking the door behind me. I could hear pained sniffles as I left but knew it was for the best.

Once I had arrived upstairs I made eye contact with Hermione so she knew what was happening. She smiled slightly letting me know she'd get through this.

Then it all went down. Wands and spells were flying around. I stayed out of the fight unless instructed otherwise and watched as dobby managed to apparate them all. I saw bellatrix getting ready to throw the knife but I was able to disarm her silently without anyone knowing so one got hurt.

I watched as they disappeared, leaving me behind...

The days leading up to the final battle at Hogwarts were horrendous. I had no word of the casualties and was stuck in malfoy mannor where I refused to do anything to help in the battle. I'd go but just to make sure harry made it out alive.

It seemed Voldemort had had enough of my behaviour and decided to teach me a lesson about loyalty. He tortured me for 2 days and I remember none of it. All i remember is the pain and the feeling of helplessness. I could barely move and by the time the battle at Hogwarts had commenced I was already out of commission. Areas of my skin were burned raw and I had cuts everywhere, not to mention a fractured wrist. But I was alive and that's all that mattered.

So far I hadn't seen harry or Voldemort all battle. I had looked but couldn't go anywhere without being glared at. I couldn't risk blowing my cover now.

Suddenly Voldemort appears in the middle of the battle, his entourage bubbling behind him. I ran to the front of the crowd to get a better look only to hear gasps of fear. Once I got a better look I felt my heart drop. Hagrid was placing Harry's dead body on the ground. Completely lifeless. I was frozen. I knew Voldemort was making a speech about his victory but all I could focus on was the dead body of my beloved lying on the dirty floor. He didnt deserve this. He should be in my arms giggling at something or letting me teach him


End file.
